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Sep 29, 2011
Apr 10, 2011
Skywalking Minnesota Nicely: 10 Rules of the Minneapolis Skyway
Leisure walking is an art form - that ability to stroll gracefully without a care in the world. Each time I give it a try, my usual militaristic gait morphs into the hybrid toddling of a lumbering circus clown in oversized shoes and the robotic ambulation of the odd-looking robot C3PO from the movie Star Wars – rather strange. Aptly deterred from this seemingly futile effort, I usually return to my natural quick march, which, while custom-made for the Big Apple’s hustle and bustle or the army’s parades, is not at all suited for the mall-set skyways of the Mini Apple.
The Mini Apple: we have a lot going for us out here in the northern brim – a lot more than many realize. We’re sort of an American best-kept secret. I make this declaration as a New York transplant, who, to be honest, was the guy who only three years ago would first utter, “Isn’t that where Prince is from?” when Minneapolis was mentioned. I moved out here and promised to keep as much of my New York lifestyle, for as long as possible. Primarily, that meant being able to thrive without owning a car. It meant embracing pedestrianism like one would a religion. Lo and behold, to my pleasant surprise, I discovered the active sky-world within a metropolis – I discovered the skyway.
But skyway pedestrianism is a different denomination. For a New York transplant, it requires fundamental attitudinal change in walking. I’m reminded of this when I find myself caught behind a 4-person arm-in-arm chorus line of strolling skyway pedestrians. Breathe slowly. Walk even slower. I begin to lumber again. Then I upgrade to what is sort of an at-place forward moonwalk: picture a Michael Jackson mime speed-walking in place, on a mission to nowhere-ever-land to the magical riff of “Beat It.” Yep, that’s me on most days as I mark time behind my fellow way-destrians, putting the brakes on my New York minute and evoking every bit of my inner Minnesota niceness. Then suddenly, I find an opening, shift gears, and make my accelerated break around the human logjam. Patience is indeed a virtue, I tell myself. But it also makes you virtuously late to meetings. Gotta go. Gotta go.
The other day, as I traversed the sky-world on another scurried trek to yet another meeting within the matrix, perhaps my second that morning, I got to thinking: how about outlining etiquette for the skyway. So, here are a few ideas -- ten rules, to be exact -- the ten rules of the skyway.
First: let’s start with the easy one – try to keep to the right side of the skyway. All in favor?
Second: Have you seen the movie Armageddon? Ben Affleck and a band of mavericks go off to space on a gallant mission to save humankind from a gargantuan life-extinguishing asteroid racing toward earth. Spoiler alert: They do their usual epic action-thriller thing. Then their spacecraft makes a dramatic homecoming. Cut to scene: Slow motion -- Affleck and his gang of misfits approach in an extended row, a cowboy’s spring in each step – bold, fearless, heroic. We’ve seen this scene repeated in movies many times before: Reservoir Dogs, Tombstone – how about pretty much every action movie?
Now, cut to the skyway: your point of view. You approach. A four-person wide extended row of mavericks takes up the entire breadth of the skyway. Add a bit of slow motion and a metallic riff from the Rolling Stones, and you have, playing out in front of you, a scene straight out of the movies. As you advance toward the chorus line, you are not sure whether you are expected to fade into the walls or just puff away into a cloud of smoke. You get a brief inclination to charge right through. Then you think to yourself, perhaps, they too, like Ben Affleck and his crew, have just returned from their very own gallant mission to save earth from an end-of-days asteroid. But you don't see any space suits, so you scratch your head.
For the second rule: two lanes coming and two lanes going. If your line is more than two-persons wide, please collapse the line.
Third pointer: wheel chairs and walkers, et al, get the right of way.
Fourth: It’s not Minnesota nice to clip the heels of the good folks walking in front of you. I’ve been guilty of this a couple of times. And as much as I would like to say that the person in front of me stopped suddenly, the good old presumption of fault assigned to the trailing Joe in a fender-bender applies here. Doesn’t matter how slow the leading Joe is going, you clip him and you’re the presumptive malefactor.
On the other hand, if one can avoid it, walking so slow as to create the elusion of walking backwards is not kosher either. The only strollers should be the ones with babies in them. If you look behind you and you see a trail of way-destrians strung behind you like a line of shoppers on Black Friday, each huffing and puffing under a forced grin, please pick up the pace or pull aside.
Number five. Walk and shop with care. Avoid sudden stops, turns or pivots. Certainly, the skyway is no place to showcase ones running back skills. The Vikings are recruiting nearby but not in the skyway. At this juncture, I must admit to the joys of window shopping and to having slammed the brakes a couple of times after spotting a major price break on an item I’ve been eyeing for some time.
Six. As a former New Yorker used to seeing music artists perform in the subways, music in the skyway is a tough call. One person’s music is another person’s noise. It’s hard to take rejection as an artist: but if skywalkers aren’t feeling your music, do your art a favor and take it where it will be better appreciated. If you play for tips, follow the money.
Seven. Please, keep it down. There are meetings in progress in skyway-level offices. I hear meeting attendees do not fancy the yelling.
Eight. Watch where you’re going. Texting or emailing while walking is a hard habit to break. As a diehard multi-tasker, I’ve been guilty of the habit on occasion.
Nine. As you traverse the skyway, you’ll occasionally run into someone you know. There’s no reason to stop in the middle of the thoroughfare to hold court. If you have to chat, be deferential to others and take it aside. If it’s a really busy section of the skyway, move the committee along to a less busy area. No roadblocks, please. All in favor?
Last, not least: If you really have to walk around with sagging pants, for whatever reason, including perhaps forgetting your belt at home, please wear freshly laundered briefs (or boxers).
That concludes our list. And now you know. Enjoy the Minneapolis skyway! You'll find great and wonderful places to eat and shop.
The Mini Apple: we have a lot going for us out here in the northern brim – a lot more than many realize. We’re sort of an American best-kept secret. I make this declaration as a New York transplant, who, to be honest, was the guy who only three years ago would first utter, “Isn’t that where Prince is from?” when Minneapolis was mentioned. I moved out here and promised to keep as much of my New York lifestyle, for as long as possible. Primarily, that meant being able to thrive without owning a car. It meant embracing pedestrianism like one would a religion. Lo and behold, to my pleasant surprise, I discovered the active sky-world within a metropolis – I discovered the skyway.
But skyway pedestrianism is a different denomination. For a New York transplant, it requires fundamental attitudinal change in walking. I’m reminded of this when I find myself caught behind a 4-person arm-in-arm chorus line of strolling skyway pedestrians. Breathe slowly. Walk even slower. I begin to lumber again. Then I upgrade to what is sort of an at-place forward moonwalk: picture a Michael Jackson mime speed-walking in place, on a mission to nowhere-ever-land to the magical riff of “Beat It.” Yep, that’s me on most days as I mark time behind my fellow way-destrians, putting the brakes on my New York minute and evoking every bit of my inner Minnesota niceness. Then suddenly, I find an opening, shift gears, and make my accelerated break around the human logjam. Patience is indeed a virtue, I tell myself. But it also makes you virtuously late to meetings. Gotta go. Gotta go.
The other day, as I traversed the sky-world on another scurried trek to yet another meeting within the matrix, perhaps my second that morning, I got to thinking: how about outlining etiquette for the skyway. So, here are a few ideas -- ten rules, to be exact -- the ten rules of the skyway.
First: let’s start with the easy one – try to keep to the right side of the skyway. All in favor?
Second: Have you seen the movie Armageddon? Ben Affleck and a band of mavericks go off to space on a gallant mission to save humankind from a gargantuan life-extinguishing asteroid racing toward earth. Spoiler alert: They do their usual epic action-thriller thing. Then their spacecraft makes a dramatic homecoming. Cut to scene: Slow motion -- Affleck and his gang of misfits approach in an extended row, a cowboy’s spring in each step – bold, fearless, heroic. We’ve seen this scene repeated in movies many times before: Reservoir Dogs, Tombstone – how about pretty much every action movie?
Now, cut to the skyway: your point of view. You approach. A four-person wide extended row of mavericks takes up the entire breadth of the skyway. Add a bit of slow motion and a metallic riff from the Rolling Stones, and you have, playing out in front of you, a scene straight out of the movies. As you advance toward the chorus line, you are not sure whether you are expected to fade into the walls or just puff away into a cloud of smoke. You get a brief inclination to charge right through. Then you think to yourself, perhaps, they too, like Ben Affleck and his crew, have just returned from their very own gallant mission to save earth from an end-of-days asteroid. But you don't see any space suits, so you scratch your head.
For the second rule: two lanes coming and two lanes going. If your line is more than two-persons wide, please collapse the line.
Third pointer: wheel chairs and walkers, et al, get the right of way.
Fourth: It’s not Minnesota nice to clip the heels of the good folks walking in front of you. I’ve been guilty of this a couple of times. And as much as I would like to say that the person in front of me stopped suddenly, the good old presumption of fault assigned to the trailing Joe in a fender-bender applies here. Doesn’t matter how slow the leading Joe is going, you clip him and you’re the presumptive malefactor.
On the other hand, if one can avoid it, walking so slow as to create the elusion of walking backwards is not kosher either. The only strollers should be the ones with babies in them. If you look behind you and you see a trail of way-destrians strung behind you like a line of shoppers on Black Friday, each huffing and puffing under a forced grin, please pick up the pace or pull aside.
Number five. Walk and shop with care. Avoid sudden stops, turns or pivots. Certainly, the skyway is no place to showcase ones running back skills. The Vikings are recruiting nearby but not in the skyway. At this juncture, I must admit to the joys of window shopping and to having slammed the brakes a couple of times after spotting a major price break on an item I’ve been eyeing for some time.
Six. As a former New Yorker used to seeing music artists perform in the subways, music in the skyway is a tough call. One person’s music is another person’s noise. It’s hard to take rejection as an artist: but if skywalkers aren’t feeling your music, do your art a favor and take it where it will be better appreciated. If you play for tips, follow the money.
Seven. Please, keep it down. There are meetings in progress in skyway-level offices. I hear meeting attendees do not fancy the yelling.
Eight. Watch where you’re going. Texting or emailing while walking is a hard habit to break. As a diehard multi-tasker, I’ve been guilty of the habit on occasion.
Nine. As you traverse the skyway, you’ll occasionally run into someone you know. There’s no reason to stop in the middle of the thoroughfare to hold court. If you have to chat, be deferential to others and take it aside. If it’s a really busy section of the skyway, move the committee along to a less busy area. No roadblocks, please. All in favor?
Last, not least: If you really have to walk around with sagging pants, for whatever reason, including perhaps forgetting your belt at home, please wear freshly laundered briefs (or boxers).
That concludes our list. And now you know. Enjoy the Minneapolis skyway! You'll find great and wonderful places to eat and shop.
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